This Either Sucks Ass or Kicks Ass
by Craton11
Summary: Nine year old John Allister was always a fan of the show South Park. He'd probably love to live his life there right. Though, what happens when he moves to South Park construction paper and all. Will he really like it. Currently being re-written.
1. Chapter 1: Yah?

All content and characters in South Park belong to their respective owners Matt Stone and Trey Parker.

Life has many choices. Choices that can lead you to a path of love, loss, and sorrow or anger, happiness, and envy. Basically, there's gonna be a lot of emotions involved no matter what choice you make. I'm not sure what I felt when my body turned into cardbord or when I saw the sign, but I knew I made a made a major choice. To this day, I still don't know if it was a mistake to stay in this hick town.

Let's take a huge step back to when I was seven. My parents left me with a babysitter named Andrew Sheetman, a good friend that I eventually lost touch with. He was a decent babysitter and tucked me in at around seven o'clock. It was his second week with me, and I had eaten some delicious kit-kats with raw sugar, and I was really high (what I called hyper until the age of 11). I stood up from my bed and peeked down from the second story of my house to see Andrew watching something.

On the television, I spotted four kids one with a red poof ball hat, one with a yellow poofball hat, one with green hat and one with an orange jacket. Each week he came by and each week I watched the episodes. All the cursing, all the adventures and all the comedy. I watched him run marathons and see new episodes back and forth. It took me two weeks to find the name of the show I so enjoyed: South Park.

Now that I've told you with how I discovered and memorized each episode of this show, some introductions are required. My name was John Allister, a nine year old kid who wasn't bullied, did actually have friends, and was not socially awkward like every main character. I had stark white hair and a mildly milky face and now black pupils. My attire consisted of a white scarf and black jacket matching my hair. Sadly the 20th season of South Park had ended, giving me nothing to look forward to. I had lived in Chicago my whole life and my parents decided it was time for a change of pace. What they meant by a change of pace was to move to a crazy redneck, hick town.

"Now son, don't give me that disappointed look, this town is gonna provide us with a friendly environment," my dad stated noticing my lack of enthusiasm while he was driving. "This is only because we don't want you to get hurt or do something you'll regret like join a gang or do drugs like Bill Henderson. It's a nice place where everybody knows each other and I think you'll fit in just fine. It's this place called South Park,".

I'm pretty sure I choked on my McDonald's hotcakes when I heard that. By the way, had I mentioned I had hotcakes because I did. It was a basic da fuq moment with hotcakes.

"Wait, what did you say?" I asked completely bewildered by what he just said.

"South Park, it's a nice quiet mountain town" he repeated not noticing my stunned expression."It's pretty much snow all year round, but you'll get used to it," he rambled on about it and their cheap houses and serenity and their nice weather, but I obviously was not listening. I mean an actual town named South Park, what are the odds.

My dad kept driving with my mother sound asleep right next to him. My was a hard worker and had a job for nightshift, so she probably felt wasted. We continued driving while I was still thinking how funny it was that there was actually a town called South Park.

" Okay, I think we've arrived," he said pointing to a sign. Well, that was funny, the sign looked just like the one from the show. I thought it was just a tribute to the show, so I didn't say anything. Then, in a single blink everything changed. My heart dropped as everything changed to construction paper. Houses, parents, my hands and feet, everything changed in a flash. I passed out a few moments later.

"Sweetie, answer me!" said a soft but alarmed voice. I opened my eyes to find myself in an all too familiar hospital room. I seated in a hospital bed with my heart rate being monitored. No IV packets were linked to me, I was just resting quietly with my mom squeezing my hand tightly.

"Great job doofus, you stressed her out," I silently said to myself as I saw my mother's worried face and my dad kinda panicking.

As as soon as my mother saw my eyes flutter open, she lunged at me. She and my dad were both rapidly asking questions I didn't listen to since I was exhausted. They probably understood how I felt, so they let me rest for about half an hour.

Then, the doctor came in to most likely ask me some questions. He asked if I was feeling dizzy or nauseous when it happened. Finally, he asked me a question that took me by surprise: Why did I pass out? I looked at my parent's and realized something. Everyone's made out of fucking construction paper, and why am I the only one freaking out. I took one long glance at my parents and then turned back to the doctor.

"When can I leave," I asked finally deciding to just go with it for now.

"Immediately, we hope to see you again," the really stupid doctor said not even realizing my irritated expression.

"Well let's get going. I want to see the new house I'll be living in.

"Okay sweetie but don't do that again" she nagged, but I knew she was relieved to see me.

As I exited the building and entered the car, I looked back to the snow covered hospital. Hell Pass Hospital to be specific.

"Son, your mom and I are sorry this didn't end up being a day filled with happy memories," he said.

It was already nightime and I was awake as shit. Let's review: I passed out for a few hours, everyone's construction paper, and I had the worst day already and I haven't even met Stan, Kyle, Eric, or Kenny. As a fan you'd think I would enjoy this, and I do but living in South Park... yah?

 **Look out South Park, John Allister is coming and he knows the future!**

 **This story takes place around the fifth season of South Park. There will be cannon episodes, but they will be altered since Allister knows the future. I will also switch between seasons to alter the stories of my favorite episodes**

 **Criticism is allowed for the sake of me getting better at writing.**


	2. Chapter 2: School was nice

Chapter 2: School is nice

My eyes slowly awakened as the constant ringing of the alarm clock filled my ears. Once we had arrived at the house, I noticed it was identical to the new kid's house from the Stick of Truth. I doubted we would be playing that game anytime soon, so I hopped out of bed.

My parents had driven me from their car. It was a nice change from having to sit in the sticky, torn seats of a Chicago bus. I stepped outside only to be greeted with the monitors whistles dismissing children. Then, I stopped. Ding! I had was particularly good at memorizing and learning. Also, I even had rewards like state championship fencing. I even knew how to beat people twice my size from all my street fights in Chicago, fights that my parents never heard about. It could really work.

If your lost, then let me connect the dots. One day when I was still watching South Park, an episode that I found kind of funny came on. It was called All About Mormons, and it was basically about a new kid who moved to town and the guys thought he's an asshole, but he's actually a very nice kid. If you want to know more then watch the episode but anyways, the boys make Stan fight this kid to show who's boss. The new kid let's Stan hit him saying how he understands this is like an initiation right, but Stan gets guilty and the new kid makes him into his friend. This leaves a  
completely surprised Stan wondering how he became friends with him so quickly. Basically, I get the kids worked up and get them to send Stan in, then I'll beat the shit out of him declaring my dominance. I know I'm an asshole.

"This is gonna be priceless," I thought to myself.

I had made my way to the classroom and to my surprise, everything had went as planned. The teacher seem to talk about my rewards and my state championship awards.

" I'm really excited to live in this town and share all kinds of great experiences with you, my new friends!" I exclaimed in a tone that was friendly as possible.

It had worked perfectly. I could just feel I was being cursed at, and to top it off I was great in class. I didn't have as many rewards, but it was sufficient.

For the rest of lunch, I sat outside.

I decided to go play with the ball since that's what the new kid did in the show and because I'm fairly good at soccer. The boys are all kind of huddled in a crowd. In the corner of my eye, I see Stan pacing towards me.

"Oh, hi! Do you wanna play ball with me?" I said. Good, I seemed completely inconspicuous.

"No, I'm gonna kick your ass," he said really quietly.

"Excuse me," I said.

"I'm gonna kick your ass...bitch," he said very hesitantly.

"Well I'm suprised by this, but trust me you don't wanna fight me," I said."Unless your looking to get your ass kicked," I said with a chuckle.

"Quit spewing shit, new kid," he said, now starting to lose all sympathy for me.

"Okay if you want to fight, then bring it on because I'm not gonna get my ass kicked on my first day here," I said getting a bit more hostile. For the record, I didn't actually want to kick Stan's ass, but I knew how they did it here from watching over 250 episodes of this show. If you showed you were weak, then they would bully and take advantage of you. Pip is a perfect example of this. Basically, kick ass then kindness, so you can stop calling me an asswipe.

Stan lunges at me and when he did that, I knew this was going to be easy. In my school, kids grabbed hard sticks and hit each other in weak areas. It was a shitty school, but it helped me build character and tell the difference between a pro fighter and someone who's just swinging punches. Stan was obviously never fought before.

I dodged his swing and kicked his legs swiftly. He fell over and I started landing a barrage of punches as he was on the floor. At this point I had already won, but I had to make people respect my authority. I grabbed him by the legs and swung his body smashing him into the walls. I picked up his body and put him by the jungle gym facing up.

"Respect my authority, bitch," I whispered as I climbed the jungle gym and landed right next to him. I'm not a monster. I mean I'm not gonna jump on the poor guy, but I did give him a hard kick to the ribs. He was probably smashed up to the point where the ambulance would've came in. At this point, everyone was staring at me, the boys with their jaws dropped and some collecting money. Mr. Garrison, the recess monitor, didn't even notice the fight and just told us to get back to class."Damn, I think people are afraid of me. I probably should have gone easier on him,".

 **Sorry, I know it was kind of a shitty fight scene. Also, Allister is not an asshole he just doesn't wanna get bullied. Criticism is allowed for the sake of me get better at writing.**


	3. Chapter 3: First cardboard friend

The next day, my parents didn't even talk to me about it, they just talked like they didn't even know what happened. Suddenly, my dad spoke about the what happened at school yesterday.

"Son, I want to talk to about what happened at school yesterday," he said. It was probably surprising to have heard this news from the school since to them, I was a saint. I just got away with a lot if things, that's all."I'm sorry John, but we do not condone this new behaviour. Just because you miss Chicago doesn't justify you beating the shit out of a kid,".

"-But Dad, that's not exactly what happened," I said desperately trying to present my case.

"Honey, no interrupting your father," my mom said strictly. She glanced at my dad and nodded."For this behaviour we only have one thing to say," my mom and dad both then simultaneously said," Good Job!".

"Huh?" I said in complete confusion.

"Those redneck schools are the ones where bullying happens to the weaker kids. I saw it on the first day on this little blond kid, and we were thinking you'd be picked on. But since you kicked that kids ass, nobody will pick on you," my parents explained with pride in their voice. Did I tell you I had the best parents ever? I did in case you were wondering.

I was suspended for 3 days, and with that time I played GTA, bought some headphones to keep me occupied. I ended up wearing those for a long fucking time. After the suspension, school happened. My parents, once again drove me to school, and after making my way through the not-so-crowded-I-was-hoping-it-was-crowded halls.I made my way through the staring eyes of everyone.

When Class started, I had noticed that Craig didn't give me the middle finger like he woul, and Stan in an arm cast. Later, I'll apologize. I knew I made these guys scared, but I didn't know I made them shit their pants. Class went on and eye answered most of the questions (all correct), but it took me about till the middle of class to figure out the real problem. Her. She was a skilled fighter, had lots of support and she had every right to be pissed off.

"Wendy Testaburger," I in my mind. I could probably beat her in a fight, but she was not a girl you would wanna be on the bad side of. "Shit, I didn't think of how she would react to this situation," I muttered. She did

Then, my worst prediction came true. Someone had tapped me on my back and not to my surprise, it was Bebe. A girl with frizzy cardboard hair that wore a red coat and was Wendy's primary messenger.

"Shit," I thought as my heart started beating faster.

"Allister, right?" she asked. "Wendy says to come over to her," she said blankly. She walked away back to a group of girls.

I then saw Wendy with an slightly irritated look. Good, she wasn't as mad as when Cartman joked about "titty cancer".

"Is there something you need?" I asked with my stoic face.

"I know about your little scheme," she said.

"What?!" I said honestly suprised by her answer.

"Don't play dump asswipe, I know why you kicked the shit out of Stan. I'm gonna tell you this right now, violence is not a way to get popular in this school. I want you to apologize to Stan and tell him why you beat the shit out of him even though you knew you were stronger," she stated with me being completely shocked by how she figured out his plan. Now, it was time for me to talk.

"Woah, slow the fuck down, dude," I said. "Your boyfriend is the one that challenged me," I said getting more furious by the second. "What you said was true, but I wasn't trying to get popular in this hick school," I explained.

"Wait, you weren't?" she said kind of suprised.

"No, I saw that poor blond, British kid. Nobody liked that dude and it was f-ing sad. I beat the shit out of Stan because I'm not gonna end up like that," I said."I wanted to help that kid (I really did), but I'm not god!" I explained furiously with her shocked expression turning into a curious one.

"Your different," she said a bit more kindly now. "You can be manipulative and kind," she said. I never thought of myself that way. Though, I used to live in the real world, a world where money matters. Maybe in this fictional world, I could rest and relax from the complexities of real life.

"That is a very kind thing to say, thank you. Also, I'm gonna apologize to Stan later," I said with a broad smile on my face. "Friends," I said.

"Friends," she said with a little smile on her face. I never knew Wendy would be one of my first friends.

 **I'm sorry I'm taking so long to set up this person, but I just wanna establish all that before I really do anything. Critiscm is allowed for the sake of me getting better at writing.**


End file.
